Mitchell (1975)

Happy Tuesday, everybody. I must preface that the version of Mitchell that I viewed was not from the DVD that you can get from Amazon for a total rip-off price of $2.92 but rather from Mystery Science Theater 3000. For many people I know, this episode was legendary because it was Joel's last hurrah, and afterward Mike took over. For me...it's legendary for other reasons...

To be quite honest, I really can't tell you what the storyline for the gem is. I have tried to deduce what the hell the plot is, but it really is just a series of events that have only a vague connection to one another. The credit sequence is a one-frame-per-minute shot of Mitchell (the slovenly Joe Don Baker) doing something that requires him to grimace. It's nonsensical, which sets a perfect tone for the rest of the film.

The opening sequence involves a cat-burglar who is rummaging about a mansion. Cut to John fuckin' Saxon, with hookers on both arms, waltzing into the mansion making enough noise to wake the dead, but not alert the burglar. Saxon discovers the burglar and shoots him in the back. The police are called, and we meet our 'hero,' who is sleeping one off in the back of the responding officer's vehicle. The rest of the plot should branch off from that incident, right? I mean, any writer worth their salt should be able to craft a halfway decent and maybe somewhat suspenseful Matlock episode from that start. But other than a few random events later in the film, this opening sequence is never fully explained. Even worse, John Saxon disappears for the last half hour of the film and never returns! Instead, Mitchell is thrown off the Saxon case and put on a supposed 'fluff' stake-out that turns out to be some run-of-the-mill heroin bullshit. Even this is handled poorly, as the viewer never has any idea what the hell is going on, and shit just happens without any explanation.

The best scene of the movie has Mitchell trailing his criminal target to a golf course, where some other random guy happens to be standing in front of his car. Without warning, Mitchell goes up to the stranger, mentions something involving the criminal, and the stranger starts to run. Without even yelling "Freeze!" Mitchell pulls out his pistol and shoots the guy dead. Hilarious. Following in close second is the grand finale, where Mitchell is in a Coast Guard helicopter and is racing the criminal to the Mexican border in a fishing boat. Thrilling, I know, but it gets better when Mitchell lowers PROPANE tanks on a rope and proceeds to attack the boat by slamming the tank into the cabin. There's also this weird thing where Mitchell is sleeping with a hooker, but then feels the need to arrest her all the time because she smokes pot. There is no build-up to their relationship, and the scene before they perform awkward "whoopie" has Mitchell getting his ass kicked by two guys. No explanation for why he got beat up, just straight to a shot with the big lug and his Bo Derek lookalike hooker in the sack.

This would probably be a good time to note that Joe Don Baker should never headline a movie that isn't titled Walking Tall. He is the consummate slob, and has a natural klutziness that makes me wonder how he never shot himself in the foot with his own pistol. Joel and the gang really make fun of his weight, breathing heavy whenever Mitchell walks briskly or making food references all of the time. They really hit the nail on the head with this one. If you have a friend who has never seen an episode of MST3K, the Satellite of Love segments may need some explaining, but the comedy is brilliant as you sit through this piece of mierda.